A peek into my journal: discipleship is a lifelong endeavor.

Dear Father,

I’m so grateful for this season – while the last month has been brutal, you’ve brought me to this place to reboot and it was exactly what I needed.  Thank you for knowing me better that know myself and loving me more than I could ever imagine.

I’m starting to get some clarity and I’d like to talk it through with you, because I want to get it right.  God, I want to get it right. Growing up in you is truly a lifelong endeavor and while I feel I should have arrived by now, I realize that as long as I have breath, there is more to learn. There is more to give up. There is more to receive.

I’ve felt like I’m sailing through this 40-day exercise and the whole sugar fast thing has not been so hard.  Then there was the chapter on being addicted to other things besides sugar (like my phone) and that was a little more personal.  And then, yesterday happened. While I really tried to pick something sugar free, lunch at Fazoli’s was not on the program and then there was this taco salad (this beautifully light deep-fried shell with a touch of sweetness – Mexican carry-out for supper).  After that meal, I had a craving for something sweet. I find it very interesting that the small amount of sugar in both meals led me to want more. When is enough sugar enough? I’m sure there is a deeper lesson in there, particularly when it comes to the pull of temptation in general.

The book says that if you replace all the refined sugar in your life with artificial sweeteners you are missing the point.  The point is to turn to YOU when I am craving sugar, not sugar-free chocolate chips.  So what did I do last night? When I should have turned to you? I told myself that it would be just fine to have a sugar-free latte since I’d not had one all day (and I’m allowing myself one a day). But this was a test. Why did I want or “need” a latte at 8pm? It was the end of a day of missed opportunities. I now realize I ignored the perfect chance to explore this question with you: why do I think a craving for sweets HAS to be indulged? Why did I allow something as silly as a latte come between us? I was thinking these thoughts as I was preparing for bed, and then,  I picked up my sudoku book instead of stopping to pray through the day as a whole and learn from it. Big sigh.

Will I never really grow up?

Lord, this 40-day exercise is hitting me where it hurts.  And that is a good thing.  It’s not about sugar being bad (it’s not) or needing to develop rigid phone rules to keep myself in check. It’s about remembering that you are the most precious thing in my life and these stumbling blocks serve as distractions.  Running to the frig or pantry is a habit, a coping mechanism that is self-destructive.  My phone turns my attention away from rather than to the throne of God. That is a scheme of the devil that I must rebuke and gain victory over. 

Oh, Jesus.  That I might come out on the other side of these 40 days closer to your heart than ever before.  This is my desire.


And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  – Hebrews 1:1b-3 (NIV)


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